Crave burgers? Darn tootin', Pardner, ya crave burgers. Betcha this is the first place ya eye-balled on this here menu parody. Yee haw! Our burgers get rustled up 100% organic beef at our signature private ranch, where cattle roam on an open range and lives cruelty-free, as defined by the Bush Administration. Yee haw! SOME MIGHT SAY OUR HAMBURGERS ARE WHY PEOPLE NEVER FORGET [insert silly family restuarant parody name here].
CLASSIC BURGER
Our signature burger since 1983.
CLASSIC w/CHEESE
DOUBLE CLASSIC w/CHEESE
JUNK DUNKED DOUBLE CLASSIC w/CHEESE
NEW! MODERN CLASSIC
The Classic goes kickin and screamin into the 21st Century with this delicious update. It's the same Classic you know and love, but this time without any painful laxatives.
BACON BURGER
Tangy, crispy, flavorful bacon desperately masks our lackluster meat. Mustard and cheese help, too.
Add overpowering Southwestern Bar-B-Que sauce...$1.50
Add bacon...$1.50
NEW! HAWAIIAN BURGER
Say aloha to a burger topped with pineapple, bacon, and Continental American Cheese. Not available on December 7th.
RETRO! BURGERTIME BURGER
Our chef climbs ladders and avoids walking pickles to drop oversized hamburger layers off scaffolding, for some reason.
NEW! BUSINESS WOMAN'S BURGER
That's a hamburger patty, scoop of cottage cheese on a lettuce leaf, and a TAB.
NEW! ALTERNATIVE! Live105 105FM ALTERNATIVE ROCK BURGER ALTERNATIVE!
PATTY MELT
Like the music you listen to, you're different, and so is this burger. It has grilled onion, like you, and the bun's actually rye bread, which is ironic. It's the kind of burger Morrisey would eat, when he's not pretending to be a Mexican herbivore.
NEW! WEST COAST PIZZA BURGER
This hamburger uncannily tastes like California pizza: it's really shitty and fake, and not as good as the East Coast Pizza Burger.
NEW! OPEN FACE BIG EASY CHILI BURGER
We replace the top bun of the Kaiser roll of this burger with meaty chili. A portion of the top bun will be donated to the Katrina Disaster Relief Fund.
GARDEN BURGER
It's people! The Garden burger's made of people.
by Mike Spiegelman
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