Family Restaurant Menu, Part 17: Off The Menu Meals

Menus are for losers. Winners order off the menu. We'll accommodate any request, no matter how dbaggish or non-existent. Available Breakfast, Lunch, or Drinner.

Breakfast.
You're assured a unique and off-menu personal 'egg-fast' by using our incomplete template. To order, loudly complete description to server.

(Number of Eggs) (Part of Egg)-(Exclusive/Excluded) (Breakfast Meal Made From Eggs, Not Necessarily Omelet) (Served in a Particular Style) with (Type of Vegetable), (Type of Meat), (Type of Cheese), (Some Crazy Food), (With/Without) (Ingredient) (Served on the Side/To-Go).

Example: 3 Egg White-Excluded Spanish Torta, Al Dente, with Green Bell Peppers, Aardvark Thigh Meat, White Cheddar Cheese, and That Leg Lamp from 'A Christmas Story,' with Onions on the Side.

Lunch.
The Spirit of Logic put down his breakfast menu. "How can off-menu items be available on the menu?" Logic asked. "It doesn't make sense, me-wise. Very il-me-al. Let's hope the lunch selection doesn't offer any more delightful paradoxes and irresistible irregularities..."

New! BLT/F.
This American classic harmonizes lettuce, tomato, and bacon on your choice of bread.
However, when you listen to them individually, you'll hear a different tune: two ingredients are either telling the truth or lying, and one cannot exist.

WHAT INGREDIENT ON THE BLT DOESN'T EXIST?

"The lettuce never tells a lie," says the bacon.
"The bacon never tells a lie," says the lettuce.
The tomato says, "I am always lying."

WHAT INGREDIENT ON THE BLT DOESN'T EXIST?

Solution found in the Beverages section.

New! Poo Poo Platter Puzzle.

Andy, Bob, Carl, Donald, and E from Entourage enter the bar of a family restaurant. Thirsty, in no order, they drink a Foster's, a Guinness, a Heiney, one Iced Water, and a Joseph Schlitz beer. Individually (but not necessarily sequentially), for appetizers, they eat a side of Veal Dogs, a side of Wings, one Xtreme Wings, Yogurt Dunkers, and Zucchini Poppers. For main entree, the patrons - whose last names are, in no order, Lastname, Mainentree, Noorder, Order, and Patron - had 1 piece smothered pork chop dinner, 2 piece smothered pork chop dinner, 3 piece smothered pork chop dinner, 4 piece smothered pork chop dinner, and 5 piece smothered pork chop dinner.

Solution found in the Beverages section.

Drinner.
Drinner doesn't exist.