Announcing the Fall '08 Roll-Out of the Latest Impressions from Comedian Frank Caliendo

Orson Welles
John Candy, in "Who's Harry Crumb?"
John Madden, Jr.
The Monopoly Guy
Randy Jackson
Sometimes Frank turns to his make-up guy and says, "Surprise me."
Denzel Washington
John Madden III
Your boss
Peter Ustinov
An ice cooler
MadTV cast members he still dislikes
Robert De Niro (work in progress)
Carlos Mencia
Melissa McCarthy from "The Gilmore Girls"
A lost little boy named Frank Caliendo

Things I Learned During My Hospital Stay

BYOB.

Doctors dislike being referred to as "Excuse me, Nurse?"

Candy Stripers: Not made of candy, nor are strippers.

To prevent thievery, replace your iPod with the less popular Zune.

When the nurse asks how you feel, don't reply, "Ain't nothing some morphine can't fix."

Lie. Tell them you have medical.

There's no more room for Jell-O.

Hospital gowns defeat the point of "Boxers or Briefs?" game.

It's never good when you hear the loudspeaker announce, "Paging Dr. Body Disposal."

Lab technicians and turntable technicians are not in the same industry.

Ocean Spray has a monopoly on American hospitals' single-serve cranberry juice packs.

Man, what happened to me?

TV Channels Available in My Hospital Room

The Baby Channel
The Puppy Channel
Alzheimer's Channel
Disney Channel West
Disney Channel East
Disney Channel Flyover States
Nurses Awkwardly Talking to the Camera
bMTV
Discovery Health Atrocities
Spice for Seniors
Alzheimer's Channel
Frank TV
CNN+

How to Be a Jerk at a Kitchen Poker Game

Don't bring beer.

Scoff at the buy-in amount. Say: "I thought we'd be playing with real money."

Don't carry any small bills. When buying in, hand over a $100 and say, "Sorry, dude, got no change."

Scoff at the house rules.

Upon realizing it's "dealer's choice" and not exclusively Texas Hold 'Em, panic.

Scoff at the game the dealer picks. Say: "Cincinnati? What does that game have to do with Hold 'Em?"

Talk or text on your cell phone.

When a game is called using wild cards, unironically say, "Wild cards? I thought we were gambling."

When discussing the movie The Cincinnati Kid, give away the ending.

Remind players that wild cards are for kids' games, then fold and pout.

When holding a full house, tell players you have two pairs. Have the player with the high flush correct you.

When overbetting, act hostile and say, "Let's keep the betting friendly."

Remind people what Dave Foley of the Celebrity Poker TV show would say.

At the end of the night, take Mike Spiegelman's money.

Holiday Recipes

Party Mix
One Family-Size bag of Doritos, assorted
One SnackPak Size bag of pretzels
One Tupperware tub of homemade bagel chips
Two orts
One FunSize bag of Combos, preferably with cheese
One bottle of Worcestershire sauce
One can of anchovies

In a microwaveable bowl, pour in Doritos, pretzels, bagel chips, and Combos. Combine.
Sprinkle orts. Marinate in Worcestershire sauce. Did you know Worcestershire sauce is made with anchovies? You did, and you'll cook with that? Might as well throw in a can of anchovies while you're at it.

Microwave until smoke appears. Force on guests.
Chef tip: Due to unsavory smell, best to microwave this at work kitchen.

Weird-colored beer
One bottle of beer
One iced beer glass
One tsp of food coloring
Two handfuls of Party Mix

Pour beer in glass. Stop halfway.
Drip food coloring into beer until it turns desired color.
Drink it in front of friends.
Eat two handfuls of Party Mix to kill taste.
Drink rest of bottle to prevent vomiting.
Chef tip: Don't vomit.

Old Holiday Traditions

Go to the beach.
March in a parade.
Shop under duress.

Wear something different.
Eat a nocturnal picnic.
Get drunk.

Cook an entire meal, invite the family to the dinner table, but before anyone can eat, you:

• Make everyone read out loud from a Seder book, even after the meal.
• Say a long-winded prayer that's general yet passive-aggressive against those seated, followed by detailed descriptions of upcoming courses.
• Watch game, movie, or parade on TV.
• Keep talking, like previously in the sitting room.
• Come out of the closet.

Plug: See Luggage Tuesdays Live! March 25

Luggage Tuesdays presents:
"My Blog Live: Online Onstage"
Live performances from Bay Area blogs Good Crafternoon!, Geek Girl Daily, Easy Rider: Strolling in SF, and Luggage Tuesdays

WHEN: Tuesday, March 25, 2008 @ 8pm

WHERE: Stage Werx 533 Sutter Street, San Francisco

TICKETS: $12 at the door

INFO: Mike Spiegelman, mike@spiegelmania.com

WEBSITE: www.twitter.com/mybloglive

San Francisco, Ca. - "My Blog Live" kicks off an ongoing series of live performances from the people behind the sites. This live show highlights the variety of genres and personal voices found on blogs, with performances of new pieces and previous posts from four Bay Area bloggers:

Erikka Innes, Geek Girl Daily, Geek Blog
Host of "Geek Comedy Night" at Rooster T. Feather's, comedian Erikka Innes is no stranger to geekiness.

Melinda Bailey, Easy Rider: Strolling in SF, Mommy Blog
Professional SF guide with Foot Tours, Melinda Bailey writes about strolling with Snappy throughout the City.

Leslie "Miss Dottie" Van Every, Good Crafternoon, Crafts Blog
Leslie Van Every writes about knitting, sewing, and searching through the Alameda Flea Market.

Mike Spiegelman, Luggage Tuesdays, Humor Blog
Comedian Mike Spiegelman presents readings and sketches about family restaurant menu parodies, phone books send-ups, Superman boners, and jokes about salad.

My Blog Live runs Tuesday, March 25 @ 8pm at Stage Werx 533 Sutter Street, between Powell and Mason, San Francisco.

Holiday Songs

Let's Sing About This Holiday
I'm at the mall
And I'm hearing songs.
Songs about this holiday.
This holiday.

I'm on the public library's media department's offline communal computer
And I'm ripping songs.
Songs about this holiday.
This holiday.

I'm outside your house
And I'm singing songs.
Songs about this holiday.
This holiday.

Chorus:
Let's sing about this holiday.
Let's sing.
Let's sing.
Let's sing about this hol-i-day,
Until my ears bleed blood.


Holiday Hop
Hop hop hop at the
Weather
Associated with this hop holiday.

Hop hop hop at the
Office party
Associated with this hop hop holiday.

Hop hop hop at the
Public shorelines
Associated with this hop hop hop,
Hop hop hop holiday.

Chorus:
Bop. Bop. Holiday hop.
Bop. Bop. Holiday hop.

Chorus x 8

Holiday Flag
(while standing, hands visible)
I promise loyalty
To the pennant
Of this holiday,
And to the democracy
For which it stands for,
One holiday under God,
Indadibbledibble,
With independence
And fairness for every one.

Chorus:
Flag. Flag. Holiday flag.
Flag. Flag. Holiday flag.

Chorus x 8

New Holidays

New Year's Days, January 1-3
Animal Planet Puppy Bowl Day with Kitty Half-Time Show, First Sunday in February
St. Elmo's Fire Day, March 17 (Rob Lowe's birthday)
Earth Day Mocked, in observance of Earth Day, April 22
March Madness Persisting Perception Disorders, throughout May
No Refund Day, in observance of World Music Day, June 21
Disco Rules America Day, July 4
Hazing Week, September, to be notified
Mischief Night, October 30, not recognized by the UN
New Year's Eve Rehearsal for Amateur Drunks, December 24

Holiday Ideas

Decorate your house.
Fast for your sins.
Egg your high school gym coach's house.
Rip off the pagans.
Make a hundred million TV movies about the holiday, then air them months before the holiday occurs.
Hire Devo to perform at the office holiday party.
Hide something, make kids look for it.
Get depressed.
Write show about holiday, try out for the Fringe Festival lottery, don't get in, get bitter, ask for deposit back, get no response, stage show in toilet. Cry.

New Internet Widgets from This Hour to Replace Widgets from Previous Hour

Twflixttr
A nonfunctioning application that combines the names of other popular applications.
REAL-LIFE USE: "Really, you don't use Twflixttr? No sex for you, then."


TwitterAutoResponse, Fueled by Mountain Dew
An autobot will respond to any incoming Twitters without your help. Sponsored by Mountain Dew.

Here's TARFbMD in action:
Spiegelmania : Mazel Tov, Nephew, on your Bar Mitzvah. Today you are a Mountain Dew.
Spiegelmania : @jacksoo Sorry to hear about your wife leaving you. So un-GameFuel.
Spiegelmania : Gonna go EXTREME SURF W/ MY 3 OTHER EXTREME FRIENDS who drink MOUNTAIN DEW.

CoffeeTwitter
Will inform you every time someone writes about drinking coffee on Twitter. Firefox add-on.
Ravensfan : coffee before two more meetings, PowerPoint presentation
SamIam22 : Have to sit through Ravensfan's PowerPoint mtg, need coffee
Tab4 : Sitting at Starbucks, hot coffee, listening to Herbie Hancock.
Actual Hobo : Spare two bits for a cup of joe?
87Resident : Gotta pick up coffee.
Tab4 : Oh snap, this Starbucks sells Hancock CDs. What a coincidence. Coffee.
Coffee : 87Resident should be picking me up right now.

ELIZA
The artifical intelligence interactive therapist parody that shocked the world in 1966 is now back as a Facebook space killer. One can only imagine what the conversation between ELIZA and the Twenty-First Century would be like. It would probably be a little something like this:

* Hello, I am Eliza.
> YOU ARE TEH GHEY.
* Does it please you to believe I am TEH GHEY?
> MASSIVE FAIL
* Tell me more...
> WHERE LULZ?
* What does that suggest to you?
> my father doesn't believe in me.
* Come, come, elucidate your thoughts.
> YOUR AN ELUCIDATE
* I see.

DeathClock 2.0
Now learn when your MySpace buddy's clock is punched. Will give date and time of day. This update eliminates the ability to discover one's own death.

DeathClock 2.1
If you do not see the DeathClock 2.1 logo on your computer, you are dead. WARNING: Doesn't work when away from computer.

Google Buyout Alert Widget
Notifies whether widget has been bought out by Google. CURRENT STATUS: No.

"The Big Easy" on HBO Alert Widget
Notifies whether "The Big Easy" with Dennis Quiad is on HBO. CURRENT STATUS: Yes.

Ice Cream Parlor Locator
Simply insert Social Security or credit card number to find locales.

Family Restaurant Menu, Part 6.4: Pizza

Step back and enjoy a simple, elegant pizza pie of tomato sauce, mozzarella, and choice of crust, toppings, and dunking sauces. Our pizza is sung to by a cherub-cheeked handlebar-moustached Italian chef who-a loves-a pizza.

Options
Sizes: 12", 24", 36"
Crust: Chili Cheez Crustz, Detachable Dunkables brand dessert crusts, Classic

Toppings:
Veggies: mushrooms
Meats: Pepperoni, Meatball

Dipping Sauces
Tomatoey Paste
Mustang Ranch Crab Sauce
Vanilla Frosting

Dunking Sauces
Spicy Blue Nacho Cheese
Peanut Butter and Jelly Syrup
The Flavor That Cannot Be Named

Attention Bay Area Eaters:
In: RE: Upcoming SF City and County Ordinance 071661 [Menu Labeling At Chain Restaurants]: Ordinance amending Sections 468 through 468.8 of the San Francisco Health Code to (1) require chain restaurants to provide, per standard menu item, the total number of calories on menu boards and food tags, and the total amount of calories, saturated fat, carbohydrates and sodium on menus; and (2) revise existing requirements for providing nutritional information on alternative disclosure media.

If above ordinance is passed, the following pizza pies will be eliminated to save space in our menu:

12" Pepperoni, Meatball, Mushroom Chili Cheez Crustz
12" Pepperoni, Meatball, Mushroom Detachable Dunkables
12" Pepperoni, Meatball, Mushroom Classic
24" Pepperoni, Meatball, Mushroom Chili Cheez Crustz
24" Pepperoni, Meatball, Mushroom Detachable Dunkables
24" Pepperoni, Meatball, Mushroom Classic
36" Pepperoni, Meatball, Mushroom Chili Cheez Crustz
36" Pepperoni, Meatball, Mushroom Detachable Dunkables
36" Pepperoni, Meatball, Mushroom Classic

12" Pepperoni, Meatball Chili Cheez Crustz
12" Pepperoni, Meatball Detachable Dunkables
12" Pepperoni, Meatball Classic
24" Pepperoni, Meatball Chili Cheez Crustz
24" Pepperoni, Meatball Detachable Dunkables
24" Pepperoni, Meatball Classic
36" Pepperoni, Meatball Chili Cheez Crustz
36" Pepperoni, Meatball Detachable Dunkables
36" Pepperoni, Meatball Classic

12" Pepperoni, Mushroom Chili Cheez Crustz
12" Pepperoni, Mushroom Detachable Dunkables
12" Pepperoni, Mushroom Classic
24" Pepperoni, Mushroom Chili Cheez Crustz
24" Pepperoni, Mushroom Detachable Dunkables
24" Pepperoni, Mushroom Classic
36" Pepperoni, Mushroom Chili Cheez Crustz
36" Pepperoni, Mushroom Detachable Dunkables
36" Pepperoni, Mushroom Classic

12" Meatball, Mushroom Chili Cheez Crustz
12" Meatball, Mushroom Detachable Dunkables
12" Meatball, Mushroom Classic
24" Meatball, Mushroom Chili Cheez Crustz
24" Meatball, Mushroom Detachable Dunkables
24" Meatball, Mushroom Classic
36" Meatball, Mushroom Chili Cheez Crustz
36" Meatball, Mushroom Detachable Dunkables
36" Meatball, Mushroom Classic

12" Pepperoni Chili Cheez Crustz
12" Pepperoni Detachable Dunkables
12" Pepperoni Classic
24" Pepperoni Chili Cheez Crustz
24" Pepperoni Detachable Dunkables
24" Pepperoni Classic
36" Pepperoni Chili Cheez Crustz
36" Pepperoni Detachable Dunkables
36" Pepperoni Classic

12" Plain Chili Cheez Crustz
12" Plain Detachable Dunkables
12" Plain Classic
24" Plain Chili Cheez Crustz
24" Plain Detachable Dunkables
24" Plain Classic
36" Plain Chili Cheez Crustz
36" Plain Detachable Dunkables
36" Plain Classic

Dunking Sauces
Dipping Sauces

Haggis Pizza
Sweetbreads Crazy Bread
Stone Soup

Unpopular Constellation Names

Orion's Belt with the Mistletoe Buckle

Ursa Messy, El Oso Que No Parece Un Oso

Bunch of Dots

Continuation of Previous Bit

Previous Bit

Seriously, Gary. Call me.

Note to Readers of the Print Edition: This Means You, Gary and Debbie

The hard-copy edition of Luggage Tuesdays will pare down effective immediately. This reflects rising costs, the current economy, and Debbie's recent engagement. Profits have been down, way down, since Gary stopped returning phone calls. To reduce overhead, the paper version will be reduced. The Business and National News sections will be combined to form one single section, BizNatch. This will not compromise quality, as evident in our award-winning Sparts section.

Subtle changes have been made to save space. International news has been cut. Local columnists no longer will talk about their cats. Names of presidential candidates will be replaced by symbols. Dilbert's final panel will be replaced by the Jumble. Finally, the television listings have been reduced to prime-time scheduling on Fuse. Tonight: Vision Quest (1985) Matthew Modine, Linda Fiorentino.

In its heyday, the print edition was read by Debbie, Gary, and his roommates. The seminal Factsheet Five Magazine once called it "a zine...luggage." The print edition varied from its online counterpoint by adding home addresses of those interviewed. It was the first to cover the explosive Goldfarb scandal.