How to Be a Jerk at a Kitchen Poker Game

Don't bring beer.

Scoff at the buy-in amount. Say: "I thought we'd be playing with real money."

Don't carry any small bills. When buying in, hand over a $100 and say, "Sorry, dude, got no change."

Scoff at the house rules.

Upon realizing it's "dealer's choice" and not exclusively Texas Hold 'Em, panic.

Scoff at the game the dealer picks. Say: "Cincinnati? What does that game have to do with Hold 'Em?"

Talk or text on your cell phone.

When a game is called using wild cards, unironically say, "Wild cards? I thought we were gambling."

When discussing the movie The Cincinnati Kid, give away the ending.

Remind players that wild cards are for kids' games, then fold and pout.

When holding a full house, tell players you have two pairs. Have the player with the high flush correct you.

When overbetting, act hostile and say, "Let's keep the betting friendly."

Remind people what Dave Foley of the Celebrity Poker TV show would say.

At the end of the night, take Mike Spiegelman's money.