Good evening, my name is Admiral Zeld. I am a vampire hunter. I know what you're thinking, what if Jeff Goldblum and Van Helsing had a baby? (waits for laugh) No? How many vampire hunters are here tonight? Canes up. None? Maybe it's because there's a one-night-only sale on garlic at Shaw's. (waits for laugh) Actually, it's a full moon tonight, everyone's out and about. Totally poor planning on my part.
Q. Admiral, we're not interested in Buffy vampire slayers looking for love. Your course title only says "Hunters for Love."
A. Yes, it's misleading. Again, poor planning. But you bring up a great point.
I'm a hunter, not a slayer. And Buffy is a TV show, not real. But sometimes, I lie and say I know Buffy personally. Why? To impress chicks.
Vampire hunting is a lonely game. Sure, you can fall in love with a human, but your only bond will be your mutual mortality. You can't tell them about your day. Anything supernatural will confuse them. Or bore them. How can the timeless void of a mind vortex be considered boring? That date ended badly.
You may bump into a werewolf hunter or an invisible man hunter who knows the rules, but it's a whole 'nother trip, man. Best to walk away. Yes, questions?
Q. Are you like the Love Guru?
A. What? No. I'm Admiral Zeld, the Love Vampire Hunter. Totally different.
Q. What's the best way to defeat ruthless timepyres?
A. Timepyres?
Q. Time-traveling Draculas.
A. I'm sorry, no shop talk. I'm only here to discuss romance and the vampire hunter.
Q. ARRGGAZZAZZZZZZZZZZZZZ!!!
A. Zombie! Wait, it's only Gary. Gary, don't tease me like that. I could have killed you.
by Mike Spiegelman
2 comments:
I heard they are potentially working on a Buffy movie!
I thought we were here to slay Jennifer Love Hewitt... my bad...
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