Luggage Tuesdays Cookbook: In a Pinch

Can't find it in your pantry? Try these fast substitutions for all your recipe ingredients:

Missing: salt.
Substitute with: artificial sweeteners.

Missing: freshly ground black peppercorns.
Substitute with: freshly ground red peppercorns. Lie to your guests.

Missing: unsweetened chocolate.
Substitute with: gummed-up semi-sweet chocolate.

Missing: oleo.
Substitute with: butter.

Missing: sour cream.
Substitute with: homemade fresh cream.

Missing: eggs.
Substitute with: YolkSoy (for egg yolks), SoyWhites (egg whites), ShellSoy (egg shells).

Missing: Betty Crocker® Bac~Os® Bits and Chips.
Substitute with: bacon.

Missing: cake flour.
Substitute with: all purpose flour combined with a tablespoon of corn starch; stale cake orts.

Missing: salad.
Substitute with: French fries.

Missing: corn starch.
Substitute with: Oh my God. No corn starch? You are screwed.

Missing: cooking.
Substitute with: pizza.