Alka-Seltzer Jokes 2009 (Live, with photos)

Photos: Paul Hayes

Helena "Noona" Nolan's Is What? Theater is a mobile theater for one. Performances occur inside a parked U-Haul, where one audience member at a time watches from a wooden booth next to the truck. On March 13, 2009, Luggage Tuesdays' Mike Spiegelman performed Alka-Seltzer Jokes live. Asterisks indicate new Alka-Seltzer jokes for 2009.

[Enters stage. Pours water into glass. Takes packet of Alka-Seltzer. Opens it and drops two tablets into water. Takes glass. Looks into fizzing water. Addresses audience.]

Will you look at how long it takes for this Alka-Seltzer to dissolve in my water glass? This Alka-Seltzer dissolves slowly. 

Now I wouldn't say this Alka-Seltzer is old...
Performers behind curtain inside truck: How old is it?
I wouldn't say this Alka-Seltzer is old, but the two tablets are made of stone. 

But seriously, I wouldn't say this Alka-Seltzer is old...
How old is it? 
I wouldn't say this Alka-Seltzer is old, but drop it in water and you'll hear "Ploppeth Ploppeth Fizzeth Fizzeth!" 

I say, I say, I wouldn't say this Alka-Seltzer is old...
How old is it?
I wouldn't say this Alka-Seltzer is old, but its original ad campaign was "Oh! That's a spicy dinosaur meatball!" 

*I wouldn't say this Alka-Seltzer is old...
How old is it?
I wouldn't say this Alka-Seltzer is old, but it comes in two flavors: Original and New Salt.

*I wouldn't say this Alka-Seltzer is old...
How old is it? 
I wouldn't say this Alka-Seltzer is old, but the expiration date is "Good Until Jesus's Bar Mitzvah."
That's nineteen hundred and ninety-six years ago.

*Seriously. Seriously. Seriously, I wouldn't say this Alka-Seltzer is old...
How old is it? 
I wouldn't say this Alka-Seltzer is old, but the label warns: "Do not mix with grog. Do not operate heavy dinosaur."

*I wouldn't say this Alka-Seltzer is old...
How old is it? 
I wouldn't say this Alka-Seltzer is old, but you must sacrifice half of it to Oook, the Sun God.

I wouldn't say this Alka-Seltzer is old...
How old is it? 
I wouldn't say this Alka-Seltzer is old, but the instructions read, "Just add water...when water is discovered."

I wouldn't say this Alka-Seltzer is old...
How old is it? 
I wouldn't say this Alka-Seltzer is old but -- wait, hang on, ok, never mind, it finally dissolved. 

[Drinks entire glass in one gulp. Curtains.]