Letters to the Editors of Bizarre Names Monthly

Dear Editors of Bizarre Names Monthly
I couldn't believe it when I opened my mailbox only to find Marilyn Manson on the cover of the new BNM ("His Name Combines Two Other Famous Names," November). He wasn't even born with that name. What a poser.
Signed
Ellie Fant

Dear Editors of Bizarre Names Monthly
"How can we improve?" you asked in June's opening editorial ("How Can We Improve?", June). I'd start by trimming the self-indulgent blathering of your back page columnists. How many times can a subscriber read another "remembrance" from obscure essayist Yon Yonson? I get it: He comes from Wisconsin , works at the lumberyard there, blah blah. No one cares. Please bring back your past commentator, J.J. Jingleheimer Schmidt. He might have been pedantic, but at least people knew who he was.
Signed
Tony Tunaface

Dear Editors of Bizarre Names Monthly
Kathy Ireland is smoking hot, and a terrific actress, but your January interview with the model ("My Last Name Is Also a Country's Name," January) marks her sixth feature in BNM in the past eight months. How about some fresh faces like Flex Alexander or James Blunt?
Signed
Snot-Nose Jones

Dear Editors of Bizarre Names Monthly
Your morbid fascination with "Bizzarre Surnames" [sic] cheapens everyday life for ordinary people afflicted with unfortunate monikers. I'm glad to hear your print edition is finally folding ("A Memo From Publisher Phil D. Cup," August). I believe I speak on behalf of all who proudly live with silly names when I stand up and cheer: Good riddance!
Signed
Name Withheld

Correction
In March's expose, "Final Four Cheerleaders With Funny Names," we mistakenly identified Michigan State Spartans cheerleader Patricia Assmunch as "Patricia Ashmont." We regret the error.