Ask Doctor Nachos

Don't let anything stop you from achieving your dreams, especially when there's something wrong with your plate of nachos. Doctor Nachos can help. He's a doctor, and his last name is Nachos.

Dear Doctor Nachos,
I am a 14-year-old college student achieving my dreams. However, my plate of nachos has too much sour cream on it. Help, Doctor!

Signed,
14-Year-Old College Student

Dear Stu,
Like the popular song goes, "Don't ruin your dreams, With too much sour creams." Simply scoop unwelcome sour cream with an available dry tortilla chip, and either throw it away or eat it.

Dear Doctor Nachos,
Improve Your Coffeemaker Peni.s Save on Printer ink. Wear your blanket, As Seen on MSNBC! I got you a job.

Signed,
bookings@spiegelmania.com

Dear bookings,
I believe our last question was actually email spam. For spam to be the second question for a doctor's advice column premise, let alone a doctor's advice column, shows a certain lack of professionalism. As a doctor, let me assure you, when it comes to answering your letters, I'm no amateur. Next caller, please.

Dear Doctor Nachos,
Cheese won't be -- wait, what's that word for "covering nachos in cheese?"

Signed,
Puzzled

Dear Puzzled,
"Covering" is acceptable, as well as "melting" or "meltability ratio."

Dear Doctor Nachos,
What are the side effects of nachos?

Signed,
Set-Up

Dear Set-Up,
Side effects may include appetite suppression, farts, nausea, diarrhea, lack of sex drive, and beer intake.

Dear Doctor Nachos,
Cheese won't be meltability ratio over my nachos.

Signed,
Puzzled

Dear Puzzled,
As a doctor, I believe you should saturate cheese over chips in a manner that feels best for you. For more information, consult another doctor.

How to Eat Nachos Without Contracting Swine Flu

Dr. Nacho says:

It takes a community to eat a plate of nachos. But with community comes swine flu. Just because we're all gonna die, though, doesn't mean we can't be civilized. Dinning with family and friends reinforces human bonding, and sharing plates of nachos reinforces nacho bonding. However, in recent weeks, an alarming epiphany dawned on nacho-eaters and non-nacho-eaters alike: we're all going to die from swine flu. Is this realization prescient or merely hyperbolic paranoia designed to sell nacho columns?

Play smart when eating nachos. Avoid swine flu symptons when eating nachos. The three symtoms of swine flu are: vomiting, unrelated to nachos; diarrhea, unrelated to nachos; death.

Here's how to eat nachos and not get sick, from the flu this time:

• Always wear nitryl or latex gloves when touching nachos on nacho plate.
• After placing nacho in mouth, recover mouth with N95 respirator mask and chew with mouth closed. When purchasing N95 respirator masks, search for matching bibs for formal dinner attire.
• Avoid sick people and shopping malls.
• When coughing, cover mouth with tortilla chip.
• Cover nose with tortilla chip when sneezing.
• Hand sanitizer and hot sauce must be clearly marked.
• Serve guacamole and sour cream in extra safety goggles.
• Do not lick fingers.
• Buffets must be manned with waitstaff who serve nacho fixin's.

(c) 2012 Mike Spiegelman