Best of Gruch-0 Marks

I could dance with you until the cows come home. On second thought, I'd rather have a hamburger, medium rare.

Gruch-0 Marks: Do they allow tipping on the boat?
Steward: Yes, sir.
Gruch-0 Marks: Have you got two fives?
Steward: Yes, sir!
Gruch-0 Marks: Well, then it's five dollars to see it, ten to touch it.

I do not care to belong to a club that accepts Jews as members.

Margaret Dumont: It's a pleasure to meet you.
Gruch-0 Marks: Nice tits.
Margaret Dumont: Security!

I am fighting for your honor, which is more than you ever did, Pauley Shore!

♫ Oh Chlamydia, Chlamydia, how are you, Chlamydia? Chlamydia, the Internally Tattooed Lady. ♫

One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got in my pajamas, I do know: we just had sex and he refused to make me a sandwich.

Gentlemen, Chicolini here may talk like an idiot, and look like an idiot, but don't let that fool you: he really is hung like a horse.

Gruch-0 Marks: It's all right, that's in every contract. That's what they call a sanity clause.
Gruch-0 Marks' Brother: You can't fool me! There ain't no Sanity Claus!
Gruch-0 Marks: This is why I like the brother who doesn't talk.

Hey, I enjoy a good cigar, but I take it out of my mouth once in a while, you slut.